【写作】2021“外研社·国才杯”写作大赛高分议论文展示!

2021/12/28 18:08:00

     上周大家一同欣赏了2021“外研社·国才杯”全国英语写作大赛全国决赛的精彩记叙文作品,今天,来自全国季军山东大学周凤鸣同学的议论文佳作将与同学们见面!小U特邀写作教学专家中国人民大学刘力副教授进行深入点评,讲解写作要点!

议论文真题

Write an essay in response to the passage below. You should discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the passage and explain your reasons for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the author’s opinion might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position. You should provide your own title and write about 800 words.

Are human beings more or less 

intelligent nowadays?


Ever since human beings evolved on Earth, they have been using their intelligence to make their lives easier. They have discovered natural laws, made tools, built facilities and adapted to their environment. Inventions and discoveries have liberated people from tedious work and with the assistance of technology in this information age, this process has been ever more accelerated.


Nevertheless, some argue that technological development has rendered humans lazier and ignorant. Throughout history most humans have had to do some manual work: from weaving cloth to repairing equipment. However, many people have gradually lost these skills as such work is increasingly done by machines. Artificial intelligence allows machines to perform even more intricate operations with pre-installed instructions. It is true that intelligent people are still masters of such technology so that some individuals will use their intelligence to develop and control machines. However, the majority of people are being deprived of the necessity to think and to find solutions to complex situations on a daily basis. Human beings as a whole are becoming much less intelligent than their ancestors. 

     读过题目,同学们想要如何展开论述呢?下面就带大家一起看看全国季军周凤鸣小姐姐的写作思路和精彩表现!

   选手破题思路

微信截图_20211228140125

周凤鸣  山东大学

2021“外研社·国才杯”全国英语写作大赛全国季军


     今年议论文的赛题为:拥有人工智能加持的人类是否变得更加懒惰愚钝了?材料描绘了人工智能时代下现代人的典型图鉴——普遍依赖科技产品,动手能力减弱。我斟酌后认为这种现象的出现是科技发展的必然结果,源于人类智慧的探索与自己的选择,并非技能的退化。同时,因为每个论题都不止一面,为了使观点更加充实,我选择了驳斥论证的方法。

     在写作过程中我注重论点之间的逻辑衔接,选择从材料本身提供的线索出发。从现象本身来看,科技“入侵”工作领域是为了人力资源的更有效分配;在此基础上,科技的发展又极大促进了人类未知潜能的开发;最后针对现代人基础技能确实有所缺乏的事实予以让步,再发掘其深层原因——科技为我们提供了更多选择,我们并非丢失了这些技能,而是暂时委托人工智能代行。例证的使用结合当下热点新闻,如提及科技巨头微软转向开发人工智能、扎克伯格提出“元宇宙”概念、苹果开发人工智能产业链、肯尼亚马拉松运动员首次跑入2小时以及超级计算机的发展等话题。

     因赛场时间有限,我的作文也有很多不足之处,如少量拼写错误、句式结构变换较少等,以后还需加以改进。


作品欣赏

Losing or Gaining, That is a Question


"The Technological Revolution", as we put it, is the new era we human being is being involved in. It is featured with enormous information flow, instantaneous emergence of new intentions and seemingly edged-out workforce. Compared with our ancestors who explored the world with bare hands, it seems that we have become "lazier" nowadays. Indeed, artificial intelligence has taken over some of our workplaces now. However, from my perspective, human beings have not become less intelligent since it is us who let technology liberate us from doing the tedious work and also us who are capable of taking it back.


The heating wave of "technology intrusion" into the workforce is actually allocation of human resources. Labor work has developed as long as the history has gone, whereas if we take a closer look, we can see the general trend has always been "liberating human beings". For instance, the transportation of human beings basically has gone through three stages—by foot, by animals and then by wheels or even wings. And so is the underlying rationale of the artificial intelligence. The "intelligence" contained therein are different from that of human beings, the former of which derived from and is created to serve the latter. Being the creatures evolved with the highest intelligence in the world, we bear the responsibility to facilitate the earth achieve sustainable development, which requires us to allocate human resources effectively. There are loads of work that cannot be done by machines. For example, language has become less and less a barrier for people all over the world thanks to the powerful translation apps. However, in important meetings, the instantaneous interpreters are all human beings with no exception. It is because the apps cannot achieve the same precision and delicacy as people do and thereby cannot deliver the exact intent of the speakers. As such, human beings are irreplaceable. The discrepancy we see in people's seemingly lack of skills is essentially reallocation of mind resources.


Next, technology is designed to further human beings' potential. Our history is the history of grappling with limited capability and exploration of infinite potential. And that is also the silver lining of technology. In 2019, an African athlete succeeded in breaking the record of 2 hours in Male Marathon, becoming the quickest ever marathoner. This is incredibly exciting because two hours has long been considered as a human extreme and he made it. Excited and beyond words, we have to look behind the winning scenes—this record was achieved by both human and technology. To prepare for this competition, a sportswear giant had prepared a pair of special shoes for him, being designed with the latest technology, perfectly fit for his foot, boosting his bouncing energy and sharing the pressure when he stepped down. Meanwhile, a team of athletes "escorted" him all the way, with one running in front to break winds and several running around his side. This is not the only case. Currently, China has stood out in the field of supercomputer. Its computing capability is something that human minds can never reach, which greatly facilitates our exploration in aerospace and in many other fields. Therefore, it can be reasonably inferred that with the aid of technology, we human beings get to overcome our shortages and achieve one another "impossibility".


Admittedly, it appears that people nowadays are less sophisticated in basic skills, but being less intelligent? That is not the case. The reason why human beings were great at these skills in the old days is that they had no choice, whereas the point of their hardworking is to develop the "replacements" so that they can focus on more demanding and important works. Right now, it is unnecessary for you and I to expel energy on works that machines can do, but whenever we want to remaster these skills, we can. Times has changed. Everyday we are unearthing an idiosyncratic mix of new exploration. Mark Zuckerburg is creating a "Metaverse", a futuristic world where people can live their life without physically movement or contact. Microsoft is gradually cutting off its traditional developing chain to turn to artificial intelligence. And Apple Inc, another tech giant, is also endeavoring to catch up with the "intelligent" pace by setting foot in virtual reality design. Just like our ancestors living thousands of years ago could not fantasize about computer now, we cannot tell what our world is directing with advanced artificial intelligence. But the one thing for sure is that it is going to be great. All we need is a bit of self-control, a bit of reflection and a dose of clarity.


In all, technology is not encompassing but rather, one-sided, yet that is exactly why it has so far served perfectly well in their intended place set by human beings. It is also an evincing fact that with the aid of technology, we have more freedom, more capability and more advantages. Looking back, human have gone through three revolutions, and now we are experiencing a brand new one. Hence, let us recapture our inborn courage to embrace the advancing technology. Losing or gaining, just go and see.


(为真实展示选手赛场上的写作风貌,文章为从iTEST 智能测评云平台中摘出的原生作品,仅供学习分享使用。)


专家点评

微信截图_20211228142141

刘力老师

中国人民大学

副教授,硕士生导师,现任中国人民大学大学英语部副主任。担任2021“外研社·国才杯”全国英语写作大赛决赛评委,近几年出版《英文教师写作能力与写作决策评价》等专著,参编数本教材,在国内多个语言类核心刊物发表学术及教学研究论文数篇,曾主持和参与多项研究及教改项目。2017年获北京市教学成果奖一等奖,2017年、2021年获中国人民大学教育教学成果奖一等奖。


     落笔之前,让我们先看看本次议论文题目对于文章写作的几方面要求:第一,回应所给篇章中的观点;第二,说明个人立场并且进行解释和支撑;第三,在立论和支撑观点时要关照和回应所给篇章的观点和态度;最后,文章应当有标题。

     了解题目要求后,认真阅读所给文章,理解其观点。本题所给篇章先介绍了话题背景,即信息时代科技进步带来的发明创造让人类从枯燥的工作中解脱出来,同时也指出与其相悖的观点,技术进步让人类更加懒惰和无知,体现在日常生活中人类习惯依赖人工智能去寻找解决问题的方法,因此现代人的智慧比我们的祖先要略逊一筹。

     接下来我们看看作者是如何回应和论述这一话题的:

     从Unity方面来看,文章结构完整清晰。首段以技术革命引出话题背景,并能从一定程度上回应所给篇章中的论点,即“Compared with our ancestors who explored the world with bare hands, it seems that we have become 'lazier' nowadays. Indeed, artificial intelligence has taken over some of our workplaces now.” 这部分也是一个有效的让步,作者在认同文章观点合理性的同时,使用一个转折明确提出个人立场“human beings have not become less intelligent since…”。文章主体的三个段落分别阐述和讨论了三个分论点:第一,工作当中的技术干预主要是智力资源再分配;第二,技术开发的主要目的是进一步开发人类的潜能;第三,手工技能的退化并不代表人类智慧的倒退。最后结尾重述立场,认可技术进步给人类带来的益处,以及未来的更多可能性。

     从Support方面来看,文章使用多种论据来支撑分论点。例如,第一个分论点作者使用了推衍的方式来一步步解释为何人类的智慧不可取代,而人工智能的使用只是智力资源的再分配。作者还用到了事实(Fact)、比较(Comparison)对比(Contrast)等支撑方法,能做到引古援今,论据具有一定代表性,论述较充分。

    从Coherence方面看,段落主题句和结尾句自然呼应,语意过渡自然,有一定读者意识(reader awareness)。文章题目“Losing or Gaining, That is a Question”能在结尾段得到呼应。

     从Language方面来看,作者语言流畅,用词丰富,复杂词汇使用合理,句式变化自然,展现出对语言良好的驾驭能力。

     谈及一点可以改进的地方:

     作者用的主要是横向的论证方法,文章涵盖了历史—现今—未来、主观—客观等视角,但观点间的连接缺乏一定的纵向递进。作者可以进一步思索三个分论点之间如何能够更好地融合和过渡。

     整体而言,文章体现出作者较好的论证和思辨能力,论点具有新意,是一篇优秀的议论文。