【写作】2020“外研社·国才杯”写作大赛最高分记叙文展示

2021/01/06 15:19:21

       伴随2020“外研社·国才杯”全国英语写作大赛的圆满收官,决赛优胜佳作在大家的千呼万唤下终于登场!

       我们将为大家按文体展示2020决赛写作真题及最高分作文,揭秘选手破题角度、写作思路,同时力邀写作教学专家解读点评,带你摸清写作“门道”,领悟大赛评判标准!今天先来看看这道记叙文真题!

 

真题分享

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Wu Cheng'en's novel Journey to the West tells the story of the pilgrimage of the  Buddhist monk Xuanzang to India in search of sacred texts. In this Chinese classic from the Ming Dynasty, Xuanzang, along with his three disciples—Sun Wukong (Monkey), Zhu Bajie (Pigsy) and Sha Wujing (Sandy)—encountered monsters and other obstacles, triumphing through their wit and teamwork.  

Taking the perspective of one of the four characters, write a story that happened during the journey. You can choose a story from the original work or create your own story. Write in the first person singular. Your composition should be between 600 and 800 words and have your own title.

       读罢题目,你想要怎样谋篇布局呢?一起来听听写作大赛评委田朝霞教授对这道记叙文题目和选手整体表现的评价吧,助你深入了解题目要求与评委期待!

       题目话题熟悉有趣,但却是8年以来最具挑战性的题目。选手们的写作中普遍呈现出两点不足需要大家多加注意——

1. 缺乏完整故事:缺少清晰的故事线(clear storyline)、情节(plots)、标志性人物(iconic characters)、冲突(conflicts)、高潮(climax)以及对话(dialogues)等关键元素。今年的决赛作文中,较少有选手能够陈述完整的故事。有些选手甚至以书信形式或者回忆录形式完成,这些都可以接受,但是评委更期待一个完整的故事。

2. 缺乏对《西游记》背景的了解:对作品的时代与主题(time and theme)、人物的标志性性格特质(personality traits)等方面了解不足。有少部分选手希望自己的故事给人耳目一新的感觉,例如他们让马可·波罗进入到故事中,让孙悟空来到21世纪,甚至劝说玄奘还俗。这些自由的想象都无可厚非,但是在他们的故事中,我们想看到选手了解《西游记》的故事和人物,能够展现自己的知识、逻辑和素养。

 

       那么,被评委认可的文章究竟是什么样子呢?让我们细细品读写作亚军潘可宜同学的这篇记叙文最高分作品吧!

选手破题思路

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潘可宜  苏州大学

2020“外研社·国才杯”全国英语写作大赛亚军、记叙文最高分作者

       这篇作文的背景来源于《西游记》,审题后进行立意时,首先浮上我脑海的便是师徒四人降妖除魔并最终成功取经的故事。《西游记》这部著作中的徒弟三人武艺高超、各显神通,反而是师傅唐僧常常被妖怪蒙骗,因此一直有人认为唐僧心慈手软,甚至将其视作迂腐善良的烂好人。

       但我恰恰认为正是唐僧身上所带有的更具人性的光辉才不断激励师徒四人前进,最终修成正果。放下屠刀,立地成佛。取经不仅是肉体上的一场修行,更是心灵上的一场修行。真经不只在那烂陀寺中,也在这求经的正途之上。唐僧始终以悲悯为怀,将仁爱放在第一位,恪守佛道,怀着慈悲的心,普渡众生。我想这也是还原了历史上的玄奘,因此我想重新挖掘《西游记》中蕴于深处的人性之善、慈悲之怀,这些值得我们学习借鉴的地方。

       在写作过程中,我非常注重故事写作的要素以及完整性,与原著的不同之处在于我结合了师徒四人的性格特点,突出了徒弟三人态度的转变和师徒之间的冲突,以衬托唐僧的勇敢善良、不忘初心和对百姓无私的奉献。众生才是唐僧的初心,徒弟三人面前的是近在咫尺的真经,而唐僧知道这真经是为了众生而取。靡不有初,鲜克有终。唐僧冒着危险却依然施以援手、拯救他人。也正是因为他时刻铭记初心何在,并毅然决然地要守住这份初心,唐僧或许表面柔弱,但此刻他却比谁都坚定。最终,唐僧用自己的信仰和仁爱感化了徒弟三人,师徒达成和解、再次团结一致,在互相救赎中成功取经。

       再读全文,我的语言和写作技巧等方面还是存在不足,但还是非常希望读者能感受到蕴藏在这篇故事里的初心、温暖、希望、力量与无私的奉献。

 

作品欣赏

The Brilliance of Humanity

It was a cold winter night. The streets fell into utter silence and the whole town seemed to be forgotten and forlorned by the world. My three disciples, Monkey, Pigsy, Sandy, and I lived in a dilapidated house offered by a kind monk. We were almost at the end of our journey of the pilgrimage. Everything in this house has already been covered in the thick dust of time. My three disciples have already fallen asleep and it seemed that Pigsy had very sweet dreams, but the silence was broken all of a sudden when a weak voice emitted from somewhere outside.

"Help! Help!" I recognized that it was a pitiful old woman's voice. It was so little that I could not even hear it. I stood up and said with certainty, "We must go and save her. Monsters might have come. She must be in great perils." Pigsy was not willing to get out of his bed and looked up at me with impatience. "You must be mistaken. It is so cold outside. Who will still be hanging out at the midnight? Why don't you simply go back to your warm bed and have a nice rest?" There was a distinct sense of mercilessness in his tone. But that little, sympathetic voice still lingered in my mind.

"She must be a monster. She simply pretends to be an old woman only to cheat people as benevolent as you. Don't believe her. Just ignore it." Monkey stayed in his bed, trying to persuade me. "All the people here have been so friendly to us, but we have nothing to give them. At least, it is our duty to protect them from the hazards of the monsters." I said gravely. "But we have been reaching out helping hands so many times. You have always been cheated by the monsters' fake appearance all along the journey. We are so close to the fame and fortune. You know, what I want are simply delicate food and beauties." Pigsy gave an unkind but stupid smile. He seemed to have changed from being warm-hearted to a relentless person who only craves for personal fame and fortune. "This is the last place that we travel. Just sleep and tomorrow we will arrive the West and gain success." Sandy added.

I was being extremely angry and frustrated. "I am so disappointed about you. What I have always been teaching you is to become warm-hearted and selfless and be ready to help those in need at any time. One who only cares about his or her personal interest will finally be abandoned by the world. " I took a step further towards them and continued. "The ultimate goal of our pilgrimage is by no means gaining fame and fortune for us. Instead, it is of paramount importance for us to help the people in need, especially the underclass of the society, to lead a fuller and richer life."

Despite their persuasion, I still went out alone in search of the weak voice. "Is anybody there?" I asked with uncertainty. "Here! Here!" The old woman raised her hoarse voice with excitement. She was sitting in a corner, tightly trapped in a rope. "The monster took away my grandchild! Could you please help me to find my boy back? He is so little. Please!" She kept begging me to find her grandson. "Yes, of course. Calm down please. Trust me. I will find you your boy." The old woman then expressed her most heartfelt gratitude to me. Then, I went out into the dark wood alone. My three disciples must be sleeping, I thought sorrowfully. As I moved forward, I saw a figure ahead with a kid beside it. It was a human-like monster, but his appearance was quite different from humans. I was terrified. I knew I was not as powerful as my three disciples were. But at that time, the last thing I wanted to do in this world was to flinch away and leave the little kid in danger. I confronted him by hitting his legs with my utmost efforts, but he was so formidable that he simply caught me within a mile's stone. "If I eat you, I will be immortal!" He uttered the words in an evil tone. "Go away, monster!" It was Monkey. They came to save us! The monster was then beaten and the kid and I were saved by my disciples.

"Thank you so much." The kid expressed his thanks to us. "Go home, my boy." I said to him gently. My three disciples showed a sense of guilt and then apologized to me. "We were so foolish that we only cared about ourselves. We will always give priority to the peoples' and the nation's interest. We are so sorry." I was delighted even though I got hurt during the battle against the monster.

Then, we went back to the deserted house. This time, the house seemed to be softly gleaming under the silver moonlight.

(为真实展示选手赛场上的写作风貌,文章为从iTEST 智能测评云平台中摘出的原生作品,仅供学习分享使用。)

 

名师点评

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田朝霞教授  南京师范大学

2020“外研社·国才杯”全国英语写作大赛评委

文学博士,剑桥大学、伦敦大学学院、墨尔本文法学校访问学者。南京师范大学“教学十佳”及“教书育人”奖获得者。2001年起指导学生参加各类英语赛事,多次获国家和省级奖项。自2015年起,多次担任“外研社·国才杯”全国英语写作、阅读大赛评委。《“外研社杯”全国英语写作大赛官方指南》作者。

 

       今年“外研社·国才杯”英语写作大赛的记叙文写作,要求选手从原作的四个主人公中选择一个角色,以第一人称讲述西天取经途中的故事,可借鉴原著,也可自行虚构。

       这篇亚军作文得以胜出,其优势至少有以下几点。

       第一,有完整的故事情节、故事线索,表述基本清晰。

      已临近“西天”,“我”与三个徒弟在好心和尚提供的废弃茅舍过夜。徒弟们已入睡,八戒早已进入梦乡。突然,屋外的微弱声音打破寂静。“救命!”一位老妇的呼救声传来。可能有妖怪,我们必须营救。八戒赖床,不愿起身,并且认定老妇就是妖怪,还提醒我:已近功成名就,切勿节外生枝。连沙僧也认为,最后一站不惹事端为上策。“我”痛心疾首:平日里怎样教你们以普度众生为己任,又怎样斩断俗世名利与杂念?“我”执意去救老妇,原来是妇人的孙子被妖怪掳去。自知不敌,“我”仍直奔妖怪而去,这是“我”唯一的选择。“妖怪,走开!”是悟空的声音。原以为徒弟们已利欲熏心,不想他们迷途知返。孩子得救,徒弟诚心忏悔,并痛下决心,心系众生。我心欢悦。返回路上,远见茅舍沐浴银光,闪闪发亮。

       第二,主题鲜明。

       以“The Brilliance of Humanity(《人性的光辉》)”为题,故事主要凸显唐僧以众生为念、坚定不移的主题。选手特别设置三位徒弟被胜利所诱惑的情节(虽有些许夸张)来烘托主题,成功运用了对比的手法。故事结尾以隐喻照应主题。

       第三,环境和人物渲染比较恰当,对话自然明了。

       故事开始、背景介绍、场景渲染,均极富讲故事的韵味,而后慢慢展开,虽结尾处仍需铺垫和描述,但整个故事完整、清晰。

      第四,对人物性格的刻画较为鲜明,同时照应原著的人物特点,特别是唐僧(“我”)一贯的坚定不移,以及八戒身上带有自私和投机特质的形象。

 

      至于这篇作文的不足之处——

      首先,结构安排上有虎头蛇尾的感觉,结尾处徒弟们的转变略显突然,故事的高潮不明显;

      其次,故事前半段对悟空的反应未做描述,与人物性格特点不太相符;

      另外,有些语言过于追求生僻或优美词汇,造成语法、搭配或语境方面使用不当。例如,“forlorned by the world”“dilapidated house”“distinct sense of mercilessness”“of paramount importance”“trapped in a rope”“flinch away”等。这一点也是写作大赛中多数选手会触及的误区。大赛绝不仅仅关注语言形式的运用,更关注清晰表达出来的精彩思想内容。

       整体来说,在有限的时间内完成这样一篇完整且主题突出的故事,值得点赞。