【写作】2019“外研社·国才杯”写作大赛亚军议论文展示

2020/01/09 10:01:23
     本期,小U携2019“外研社·国才杯”写作决赛亚军的议论文作品与大家共赏,全面呈现选手破题角度、写作亮点,并力邀资深导师解读点评。让我们一起感受高分作文的精妙之处!
 
 
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谢文娟 电子科技大学(指导教师:俞博)
2019“外研社·国才杯”全国英语写作大赛亚军
 
       要写好议论文,首先要进行审题、立意。本题给出作者对人类干预自然选择看法的段落,认为人类对自然选择造成的负面影响主要体现在三个方面:第一,疫苗的发明阻碍了人类本身的自然选择,无法形成自身的抗体;第二,交通的发展实现了跨国通婚,使得全球各地的基因自由传播,阻碍了人类基因的自然选择;第三,办公自动化及人工智能的应用导致了人类的退化,自然选择不再适用。
      题干要求回答是否同意作者的观点并阐释理由,行文时需表明作者的观点是如何影响和启发自己观点的。
      审题完毕后,我首先表态不同意作者的观点,人类干预带来的并不只是消极的影响,而是利大于弊。我瞬间想到“塞翁失马,焉知非福”,其英文翻译可简化为“a blessing in disguise”,将此用于本篇议论文的题目,全文也以此为中心展开论述。于第一段描述现状,段末表明观点。第二、三、四段分别对作者的三点论述进行批判性分析与驳斥,采用总-分-总的结构,每段以态度明确的主题句作为开头总述,随后用相关依据和论点支撑该主题句,点明论据的合理性,并进行简要的扣题。最后一段采用问句总结全文,进行点题,重申立场,关照论点,强化观点的合理性。
       很多同学在撰写议论文时习惯套用模板,认为能体现写作水平,但难免会减损作文的新意。所以在撰写本文时,我避免套用一般的模板句型,采取更为灵活的写法:用词注意准确,让词汇为观点表达服务;描述观点时力求明确,主题句表述清晰,辅以适当的修辞进行渲染,这样一篇合格的议论文也就基本成型了。
 
作品欣赏
 
Human Intervention: A Blessing in Disguise
 
  The modernization of life has witnessed profound changes triggered by human intervention, and currently, the natural pattern featuring the survival of the fittest seems to be no longer effective or influential. A relatively wide range of evidence has demonstrated that the evolutionary process of human beings is in abeyance. As a consequence, human intervention has been denounced as an anathema to some individuals. From my stance, nevertheless, plausible as the fact might be, human intervention is by no means definitely lamentable.
 
   There is no denying that human intervention has exerted remarkable impact on human life as well as the biological evolution of human species. On the basis of scientific achievements, the field of healthcare and hygiene has been blessed with laudable progress. Cutting-edge technologies have developed effective vaccines and antibiotics for the general public, but such a pleasant fact shall never be tantamount to the dysfunction of natural selection. Adaptability of human beings is still in action, although it is now working in a different manner. It is universally acknowledged that bacteria may evolve and proliferate prevalently and rapidly. Consequently, it has become pivotal for vaccines and antibiotics to be developed and upgraded on a constant basis so as to provide the general public with the safeguard against the detrimental impact of virus and the reassurance on a healthy life. Human beings, on their side, have to adapt to the medical effect exerted by the vaccines and antibiotics they have received so as to assimilate the dose into a part of their own physical pattern. Such adaptation and assimilation can also be claimed as one of the manners of natural selection.
 
 Technological advances have facilitated transportation to a remarkable extent and offered an increasing number of opportunities for transnational marriage, which means the genes of human beings could be shared on the global scale. Strolling in the streets, children with parents from different nations are easily found. Such a phenomenon testifies to the fact that the prevalent global transportation has taken effect on evolutionary change. But, can it culminate in the halt of the evolutionary change? Certainly not! The chances for adaptability is by no means reduced due to such an ostensible perspective. Genes can be shared free from the limitations of the boundary, but natural selection has seen no end. The posterity of transnational couples may still evolve in accordance with the constantly changing surroundings. Natural selection is in action when some of their features and idiosyncrasies are changed by resorting to proper adaptations to the environment, for instance, the adaptations displayed in their appearance, lifestyle, and intellectual progress. Not only may such easy access to the sharing of genes give rise to improvements in the comprehensive capacity for their offspring, but also it is able to shape greater achievements in a wide range of respects. Indeed, such a phenomenon is conducive to the process of natural selection of human species as a blessing in disguise rather a curse that should be put to an end.
 
   Industrial transformation and the development of artificial intelligence have engendered the automatic operations in factories and offices, human beings are now saddled with fewer manual labor tasks, nevertheless, it is untenable to draw the conclusion that the work of human beings could be literally taken over by such appliance. As is known to all that human operations and monitoring are indispensable for the functions of machines in case of accidental break downs or certain complicated instructions. Furthermore, machines are all researched and developed by humans, so that the ways for the optimization of apparatus should also be done by them. Additionally, individuals have to make proper adjustment to some extent so as to adapt to the functioning ways the equipment. Such adaptability that takes place in the human brains can also serve as an illustration for the natural selection of human species. Consequently, the advances in artificial intelligence and its relevant applications have never impeded the natural selection of human species, rather, they have merely alleviated the burdens shouldered by human beings, so that individuals shall be in a position to adopt greater adaptability to their daily tasks with conspicuous improvements in working efficiency.
 
    Has human intervention really obstructed the evolutionary progress of natural selection? Or rather, it is just a blessing in disguise? I could not agree more with the latter. Under no circumstances could advances in the field of healthcare, transportation and intelligent devices hinder the process of the adaptability to natural selection, instead, such advances serve as trailblazers for new methods of greater adaptability to the constantly changing situation worldwide. Human intervention has facilitate the life of individuals and is in a position to offer marvelous opportunities for more suitable ways of mundane survival as long as the intervention is explored in appropriate ways.
 
(为真实展示选手赛场上的写作风貌,文章为从iTEST 大学外语测试与训练系统中摘出的原生作品,仅供学习分享使用。)
 
 
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方云军  四川大学

2019“外研社·国才杯”全国英语写作大赛冠军指导教师
2018“外研社·国才杯”全国英语写作大赛季军指导教师
 
       这篇文章整体论点鲜明,行文流畅,论证过程逻辑思路清晰,结构层次分明,让人印象深刻,不失为一篇优秀作文。
       从内容和结构看,全文结构紧凑,论证充分。作者在首段提及材料中的对立观点“A relatively wide range of evidence has demonstrated that the evolutionary process of human beings is in abeyance”,并明确表态“human intervention is by no means definitely lamentable”。在第二、三、四段,作者从三个方面进行细致回应,提出看法并加以佐证。第二段,作者认为自然选择并未因疫苗与抗生素的出现而停止,因为人类适应这些不断更新的医疗手段本就是一种自然选择。第三段中,作者提出自然选择不会由于基因交换受太大影响,基因交换反而会促进自然选择。第四段,作者坚信人工智能与机械不会完全替代人类,更不会消除人类的自然选择,在有些方面人类是不可替代的,且人类在适应与机器共存的生活时,自然选择会继续进行。最后一段段首用两个问句重申主题,并得出有力结论“such advances serve as trailblazers for new methods of greater adaptability to the constantly changing situation worldwide”。
       从逻辑看,作者正确地分析了题干材料的论证逻辑,归纳出三方面,并在文章中分三段回应,结构清晰,逻辑清楚。整篇文章,作者善于使用各种指示词以及连接词,比如consequently, additionally…,体现出递进关系,加强了文章的逻辑性。
       在词汇和表达方面,语言积累充足,优秀的语言有助于其主旨的表达,比如文章标题“Human Intervention: A Blessing in Disguise”,很贴切地表达了作者的观点,即human intervention看似有危害,但最终是有益处的。全文语言流畅,用词丰富,富有文采。
 
     文章也有一些不足之处:
     1. 结构方面:题目所给材料提及了对自然选择法则产生破坏的三个方面,即现代医疗、基因交换以及人工智能,作者对这三个方面一一驳斥展开论述,最后一段的结论也证明了这一点:“Under no circumstances could advances in the field of healthcare, transportation and intelligent devices hinder the process of the adaptability to natural selection, instead, such advances serve as trailblazers for new methods of greater adaptability to the constantly changing situation worldwide. ”但文章第一段只泛泛提及“A relatively wide range of evidence has demonstrated that the evolutionary process of human beings is in abeyance.”后面的一一回应就显得凭空而出,所以第一段立论时可适当归纳概括一下材料所列出的三个方面,这样能让读者更好地理解为什么,第二、三、四段要从这三个角度进行论述,作者最后的结论也会更加有力。
     2. 逻辑方面:第三段相比其他两段,论述逻辑略显含糊。作者在阐述对立观点,即基因交换影响了自然选择时,没有解释清楚为什么基因交换会影响自然选择。(比如说,因为基因交换导致了基因多样性的降低,从而导致了人类之间基因与性状差距变小。而自然选择的一个重要条件是性状的不同,所以基因交换弱化了性状的不同性,从而破坏了自然选择)。作者只提及基因交换会带来“more comprehensive capacity” 以及“greater achievements”,而这两点又是“conducive to the process of natural selection of human species”,总体感觉不够深入透彻,说服力不够。
     3. 语言方面:有些复杂或高级词汇的使用显得生硬,个别长句可稍加精简。