【写作】2015写作大赛季军张正记叙文展示

2016/03/22 09:10:51
2015“外研社杯”全国英语写作大赛决赛记叙文赛题
 
Read the beginning of the story below and complete the story in 600-800 words.
 
An Unexpected Guest
      Riya was terrified when she heard the news on television that an alien spaceship had landed in her city. As a precaution, her father closed all the doors and windows.
      Though everyone was asleep, Riya could not sleep a wink. The thought of aliens in her city kept her mind racing. It was almost midnight when she heard the door bell ring.
      By now she was really scared. She ran towards the door but her father instructed her to go back to bed. She pretended to go towards her room, but hid behind the sofa and watched her father open the door.
 
选手破题思路
 
张正,2015“外研社杯”全国英语写作大赛季军
 
      拿到记叙文的题目后,我认真读了两遍,第一遍是理解大意,第二遍注意细节,思考所给的信息都有何用处,不断在心里询问自己为什么,以使得文章能结合所给内容合理地续接续下去。
      回看题目,中心词是“unexpected”,因此在行文过程中要尽量铺垫,娓娓道来最后再揭晓“guest”的身份可更加突出“unexpected”的程度。
      由于我很喜欢“欧·亨利”式结尾的短篇小说——结局出人意料,待深思后又发现在情理之中——因而决定选用这种风格来构建全文。思考几分钟后,我把Riya的父亲定义为那个来自外星的“guest”,以便使其身份更令人惊诧。于是我在前文中大量铺陈伏笔,多加进行主人翁心理描写:恐惧、矛盾、困惑和幽暗的环境描写以烘托气氛,尽量让文章更具吸引力。
      本文我特意采用了Riya父亲写信的方式,一是可以使文章更具新意,二是更利于推动情节发展,方便进行叙述。但为避免情节陷入一潭死水,在逐渐剥离表象、揭示真相时还采用主人翁“flashback”的手法将信与过去生活连结,以使得全文更加合理可信。此外,中间穿插主人翁Riya的心理活动,以此表现出Riya由之前的不可置信到后来渐渐接受真相的过程。最后,到文章末尾还得回过头来进行点题,即指出谁是那个不速之客。
      作文完成后独自反思时感觉因比赛时间和字数限制,结局有些仓促,前文虽尽力营造出期待揭开真相的神秘气氛,却因本人功力有限,无法达到很好效果。总之表现手法还有待提高,全文也有待进一步完善。
 
选手佳作展示
      文章为从系统摘出的原生作品,目的是展现出选手三个小时内的写作风貌,可能存在部分拼写错误,仅供学习分享使用。
 
      The moment when the door opened, a hew of bright glow penetrated into the room, which made Riya hardly see anything clearly. With few seconds passed, the bright light suddenly died out, and everything turned back to normal as if there were nothing had happened--but her father disappeared, too.
      Witnessed everything, though felt scared and horrible, Riya wanted to go out for help, her leggs, however, trumbled and were too feeble to support her thinny but trembling boby.
      "What will they do to father, what if they hurt him and what if he will never come back..." thought Riya. And the more questions she asked herself in the heart, more scareness was burdened on her heart--after all, she was only 14 years old and her father was the only family she had, the only one to cherich.
      For her father! she thought, so she mustered up her courage and went out to the door, intending to track her father down. Then, Riya strode steadily towards the door, where she found an envelope lay on the floor.
      The envelope, though shrouded in the darkness, was easy to be noticed, something must be applied on its surface so as to attract her attention. Riya piecked it up, curiously and a little surprised, because it may serve as an inevitable evidence to solve all her puzzles.
      Unwrapped the envelope, she saw a letter folded in it and when she couldn't wait to open the letter, she recognized it's the hand­writing of her father's. The words were written in the red color, placed against the white paper, to make the witing easier to recognize.
      There her father wrote-­
      "Dear Riya,
      My little kid. I know it must be hard for you to understand, but I have to tell the truth tonight, though I have kept it a secrete for these years and I had no intention to tell you all of these; however, things have all changed and I have no choice but to tell you: I'm the alien for the comets 47."
      Having read to the last word of the firt paragragh, Riya was shocked and couldn't believe her eyes! 
      "How could be!" thought she.
      Then, she contined to read the rest.
      "15 years ago, I was one of the member of our exploring group to come to the Earth and I, how to say, was equal to your so called 'scientist' of the group and I had a mission to research of human beings. Then, I adopted you in the local hospital when you were only 10 months. To be honest, I had supposed to raise you up to about 2 year-old and to bring you back to our planet as the object of a series of trials of ours.
      However, with each day passing, I gradually grew more affection for you because you were so cute--your smile was alawys looks so pure and bright, and you could never be too naughty to let me chase after you to bring you back to bed; you were the cleverest child I've ever seen--you always raised a lot of strange questions which was beyound my knowledge and puzzled me, a scientist of our planet! And you were such a comfort and consolation to me--it is you to make me feel warm for the first time, and since you were born not so physically strong, I had the chance to feel worried for my little girl as a father. Therefore, I was appreciated for everyday you kept me company and I eliminated the idea of making you as our trials' object and even every human beings on Earth."
      Riya now came to realize that no wonder his father looked a little bit strange compared with the common people, no wonder his father's skin was not as warm as she was, and no wonder she had no mother, and no wonder... Every puzzlement seem to have been solved.
      "I had thought our ordinary days could went on; however, the other day, my companions from the comet transmitted the message to me to recall me back. You know, I was reluctant to obey their order, but I have no power to resist. I have saved money for your future, put in your wardrobe. I will leave you but my heart will forever be by your side.Love, Your father, Ray."
      Having read the whole letter, Riya couldn't help her tears dropping down like the cascade--her father was so considerate as usual! Though her father was an unexpected guest from the universe several years ago, he was the greatest father she had; though the days ahead will make herself to depend on her own, Riya knew her greatest father in the world would keep her company.
 
往届选手点评
 
杜砚,2014“外研社杯”全国英语写作大赛冠军
 
      这一篇记叙文给我的第一感觉就是写法很新颖。
      这篇文章无疑是切题的,但和别人不同的是,这篇文章没有关于外星人的描写,也没有顺着题目的思路写出女孩遇到外星人的奇遇,而是把笔墨放在了黑暗的屋子,满心疑惑捡起信的女儿,以及信中父亲的坦白上。整个故事的叙事有两条主线,一个是女儿,一个是父亲。女儿读信的心理描写与父亲温和真挚的言语,交替构成了文章后半部分的叙事。这样的写法新就新在把文章的视角进行了一定的转换,让我们从书信中认识父亲这个角色,有一种让人耳目一新的感觉。
      整体来说,这篇文章的语言很优美。而且,文章提出了一个很好的情感发展点, 即父女之间的情感,而且还是一个外星人对一个人类女孩的父女亲情。
      作者做得很好的一点就是在父亲写给女儿的信中,以插叙的形式向读者展示父女所经历的往事,写出了父亲由刚开始奉命行事,到后来被女孩感动,打消了把女孩带回自己星球成为试验品的念头,对女孩产生了真的感情。这样的情感是很能打动人的,而作者也充分利用自己扎实的叙事功底,通过父亲的信,把这份情感描摹得十分真切。
      如果要指出文章的遗憾,便是在于整篇文章的结构上。作者花了很多笔墨铺垫女孩打开信前一系列的动作,却没有在父亲的信中加更多的回忆性或解释性的内容。父亲的信,反而更能够突出父亲对女儿强烈的在乎和爱。
      尽管有细微的不足,这篇仍不失为优秀的记叙文。