【写作】2015写作大赛季军王希议论文展示

2016/03/22 09:30:52
2015“外研社杯”全国英语写作大赛决赛议论文赛题
 
Can being positive backfire?
      Optimism provides a multitude of benefits across many facets of life. Researchers have linked looking on the bright side to everything from improved pain tolerance to increased longevity. There’s nodenying the incredible power an optimistic outlook can have on our health, relationships, and performance. But like much in life, it is possible to have too much of a good thing. There are some cases when an overly optimistic outlook can do more harm than good.
      Suppose there is an online discussion forum on the topic “Can being positive backfire?” Write a post to the forum, clearly stating your opinion and supporting your ideas with specific reasons and examples. You should write about 800 words.
 
选手破题思路
 
王希,2015“外研社杯”全国英语写作大赛季军
      面对 “Can being positive a backfire”的题目,首先我意识到这会是一篇思辨性很强的文章,即在某一特定条件下,挖掘积极事物的消极方面。在题目要求中,转折语句后的“too much” , “overly optimistic outlook”均体现了这一点。因此,文章重点应围绕乐观主义的危害、消极性展开,而“特定条件”就是乐观的程度是过量的。
      确立了写作重点,接下来需要考虑的是篇章布局。最终我是按照分群体来阐述的,由小及大,由近及远——按照独立个人、人与人间的联系以及整个社会三个方面分类,分别用具体事例等支持材料阐述过度积极带给这些事物的危害与消极影响。
      此外,为确保文章的严谨性,避免以偏概全或过于偏激,我在论述过程中多次强调适量的积极是有益的,过量才导致危害。
      然而我在现场并未能够较好地完善此篇文章。篇章布局不均匀,有点头重脚轻,过程中对支持材料的阐述也不够充分,这些都是以后需要尽可能避免的问题。
 
 
选手佳作展示
      文章为从系统摘出的原生作品,目的是展现出选手三个小时内的写作风貌,可能存在部分拼写错误,仅供学习分享使用。
Dying in numb ecstacy
      Since I was a little child, my teacher and parents have always told me: "Believe in yourself, and you can make it!" In other words, they have been bestowing optimism,the extremely precious and indispensable quality, to me in childhood, so that I would have the ability to live under this invisible but powerful shelther during the whole hard lifetime, going throught all the harshness and bitterness overwhelmingly hit my face. Indeed, during the 20 years of my life, I have been rescued by this very powerful vehicle from time to time. However, as I grew up, acumulating experiences and deepening insight towards life, I came to view this unique human quality in a different light: while moderest and rational optimism can survive human beings from time to time, the overuse of it will directly lead to death in numb ecstacy. That is to say, overly optimistic outlook can do more harm than good, even cause a great catastrophy. Being overly optimistic means ingoring potential harms underlying the bright surface, doing great harm to individuals, relationships and the whole society.
      First of all, the overused dose of optimism can hurt or even destroy an individual both physically and psychologically by forgetting to check personal drawbacks,turning brilliant confidence into disastrous conceit. On the one hand, the chance of suffering from serious physical disesses would greatly increase by the optimistic ignorace of one's potential health problems. Although being optimistic can pull sick people through all the great pains of their bodies and souls, the over use of it can be catastrophic. This has been always echoing in my head since the death of my dear grandfather. Aftering being overall healthy for about ten more years, he became immensely confident to his own health condition. Every time he went to the square for working out his body or just wandering around, he always boasted his superior constitution to others, like "Hey young man,why are you looking so pale today? The last time I went to hospial, you were still lying on the diaper! , or"I dare to say that I will enjoy he longevity until 200 years old!" ,and so forth. He felt so flatterd and satisfied in the admiring and envious looks of others that even when he had a stomache, he would say that he just ate something hard to digest and would feel better soon. Every time we urged him to have a health check, he would deny stubbornly and firmly. As a result, after two years struggle, he died from a serious and long lasting stomach cancer. When the result came out, the doctor sighed with great regret and told us his disease could have been cured earlier and many of his patients died not of the disease themselves, but the ouverused dose of optimism. On the other hand, mentally over optimism always make people underestimate the harshness of a task or an enemy. It's a truth that rational optimism can bestow people with power to conquer fomidable mountains in their, lifes, but the over of it may cause them die at the bottom of a hill.This can be vividly illustared in battles. In the Story of Three Kingdoms, Guanyu was so confident about his military power so that he indulged himself in enjoyness and binge every day. As a result, he lost his region out of this carelessness cause by over optimism, turnging confidence into great conceit. If there is over optimis, there is personal suffering.
      In addition to personal catastrophy, over optimism also push relationships to the edge to a dangerous stiff, for it blind people's eyes and make them take every goodwill of others for granted. This can easily fall on intimate reltionships. . Maybe the catastrophic over optimism more often dawns on romantic affairs. Every time people are curiously gazing at a TV screen with a crying girl and confused utterance like "Why he betrayed me like that? He had been so well to me and always satisfied my every single requirement."Just like the experts analyse, this girls are too optimistic about their relationships to forget to look back and check her own mistakes and the potential problems lying under the romantic surface. They always suppose that their lovers love them so much that those boys would do anything for them unconditonally. But in fact,nothing is unconditional, and no relationship can be maintained by only one side's permanent sacriface.
      Based on the habit of being overly and always blindly optimistic, enormous disasters can fall on the whole society out of the ignoracne of potential thrents and seemingly prosperity. Many nations and societies have proved this before.
      All in all, although optimism can equip people with great power, the over use of it can lead them die in numb ecstacy. Feeling good can make people feel like floating in the heaven, but only worries can pull them down to earth, going through all the difficulities in the human world. So never overuse optimism in life: one can undoubtedly turn this healing drug into emtremly poison.
 
往届选手点评
 
牛云凤,2013“外研社杯”全国英语写作大赛冠军
 
      可能由于考试时间有限,大多数选手都不会给文章起个标题。或许很多人想全部写完再写标题最后却忘记了。本文有标题是值得表扬的,但Dying in numb ecstacy也稍有不妥,一是在狂欢中麻木地死去太夸张,二是numb和ecstacy的搭配有待商榷。
      从内容来看,文章第一段作者讲述了从小被鼓励要乐观到长大后对乐观却有了新的感悟,最后一句提出论点:过度乐观意味着忽视美好表面背后的潜在危害,对个人、人际关系乃至整个社会都有害处。第二段详细解释了第一个分论点:过度乐观对人身心不利。作者分别举了自己爷爷因对自己的健康过度乐观,拒绝及时检查治疗而获胃癌去世的例子以及关羽因过于乐观、精神涣散以至于损失惨重的例子。说理和举例穿插进行,使人信服,但语言不简明,稍显冗长。第二个分论点是对人际关系有害,本段也非常具有趣味性。作者举了众多偶像剧中出现的经典桥段:女主角哭着嘶喊,不明白男主角曾经对她千依百顺,为什么后来会背叛她。因为人们总是盲目乐观,认为关系亲密的人做一切都是理所当然,而不会审视自己、珍惜对方。第三个分论点作者阐述了过度乐观对整个社会有害。结尾段总结论点,指出乐观这剂药使用得当是" healing drug ",过度使用则会变成" extreme poison "。
      整篇文章结构是亮点,组织层次分明。开头立论明确,主体三个分论点逻辑清晰,结尾简短有力。语言运用能力强,多次使用对比和比喻等修辞手法。
      不足之处是多次出现中式英语,比如:work out his body(work out 本身就是锻炼身体的意思); out of this carelessness cause(由于粗心的原因,从汉语直译到英语)以及suffer drawback这种类似中式英语、搭配不当的用法。分词从句的用法再稍加注意定能更上层楼~