【写作】2015写作大赛季军郭浩辰记叙文展示

2016/03/22 10:20:45
2015“外研社杯”全国英语写作大赛决赛记叙文赛题
 
Read the beginning of the story below and complete the story in 600-800 words.
 
An Unexpected Guest
      Riya was terrified when she heard the news on television that an alien spaceship had landed in her city. As a precaution, her father closed all the doors and windows.
      Though everyone was asleep, Riya could not sleep a wink. The thought of aliens in her city kept her mind racing. It was almost midnight when she heard the door bell ring.
      By now she was really scared. She ran towards the door but her father instructed her to go back to bed. She pretended to go towards her room, but hid behind the sofa and watched her father open the door.
 
 
选手破题思路
 
郭浩辰,2015“外研社杯”全国英语写作大赛季军
 
      这个题目让我想起之前看过的《三体》中关于外星人的chief message:和外星人建立联系对地球文明造成了毁灭性的打击。这点我是比较赞同的,所以这次也安排了一个邪恶的、把人类当成研究对象的外星人。
      我主要想探讨人类的爱——在本文的语境中也就是父女之情。爱不是万能的,有时候甚至是危险的、致命的,这是导致父女死亡的原因。但爱也是唯一将人类与外星生物区别开来的东西,是人类的defining characteristic.这次字数和时间没有把控好,结尾有些仓促,也许没有清晰地传递我的motif,这点比较遗憾。
 
选手佳作展示
 
      文章为从系统摘出的原生作品,目的是展现出选手三个小时内的写作风貌,可能存在部分拼写错误,仅供学习分享使用。
 
      Her father stumbled backward, emitting an indistinct but panic noise. A flock of grosteque, bloodcurdling creatures were standing in the doorway. One can barely draw analogy between them and any earthly living thing. They were heavy-set, like ragged rocks, somewhat taller than the door, semi-transparent throughout. What stunned Riya the most was that, they didn't seem to have what humans define as "head" -- let alone eyes, nose, or even a mouth. She goggled at them, her mouth wide open. It took her great efforts to refrain from screaming, but her lips couldn't help trembling. "Would father protect me safe and sound like always? " She was not sure about the answer.
      "Sorry to interrupt. We are here on a mission." A cold, machine-like sound was uttered by the one in front.
      "What... what do you want?" The man, painstakingly oppressing his fret, replied in a quivering voice.
      "We have long been observing the living entities on this planet, which you call earth. Years of observation point out one unquestionable fact that mankind is the best object for our study. We are perplexed, fascinated or even intoxicated by your behaviors, many of which seem utterly incomprehensible to us. That's why we've come a long way -- like decades of light years -- to be here."
      "You were saying that you want to have a closer look at us?" Riya's father was regaining his calm.
      "Oh, you misunderstood. It is definitely a piece of cake to get pictures and footages of everything on earth. Even at home – I mean on our planet, we can count out the hairs on your chest if we want." These words, though acridly ironic, was delivered in a monotone, devoid of any intonation that might suggest the speaker's attitude.
      "So why bother to come here? Why are you here in my doorway?" Something really bad was happening, the man thought, his forehead sweating.
      "What we ask of you is every simple. We know you have a daughter, who's now hiding behind the sofa." On hearing this, Riya's father threw a immediate glance at the sofa. His bloodshot eyes widened, full of agitation and agony. Hardly had her eyes met with her dad's than she cried out loud. Her heart wildly thumping, she could barely breathe. In no time, his father rushed to her, swepted her into his arms, and pressed her tight against his chest, snarling, "What the hell do you want from us? Dare you touch her!"
      "Calm down. We mean no harm to you. Just need a little help for us to figure out the nature love. That is a thory problem for us: try as we did, we failed to give a definition to that intangible material peculiar to you human beings. Every now and then, we wonder what exactly is it that consititutes the so-called 'emotional bond' between parents and childern..."
      "You bastard!" Yelling furiously, Riya's father darted to the speaking creature and flung a fest at it. That attack, however, was in vain. Some invisible power rebounded him back, thrusting him heavily on the wall. "Dad!" A shriek ran through the drawing room.
      "Oh, don't be silly. You cannot even touch us. And we don't want us sample damaged. Spare your efforts and cooperate with us -- that is the only choice for you.We want to take away one of you two: either you or your daughter.Rest assured, the one being taken will enjoy a good life in our spacecraft." Indifferent though that voice sounded, it was piercing to the ears of the man and the girl.
      "Then take me! I'll go with you, just leave my daughter alone. Promise you won't hurt her, otherwise I'll do whatever I can to make you suffer!" Almost without the sightest hesitation, the man made his decision, his eyes watering.
      "No, dad, you promised you'll never leave me!" The girl desparately shouted, tears streaming down her face. Then she cuddled to her father and put her arms around him.
      "I don't think that's possible. Little, girl. It's either you or him, and the decision is up to you. Fair and square."
      "Alright, I'll go. My dad has been protecting me since I was born, and now I'll be his shield for the first time." The girl summmoned her courage and uttered a string of words that were no different from a deadly blow to her father.
      "Riya, shut up! What are you talking about!"
      ... ...
      After several rounds of back and forth, the father and daughter were still arguing and reaching no agreement. Out of patience, the "alien commander" erupted, giving out a beam of blinding light, which then envoloped the man and the girl.
      "I think we are right. Love is dangerous, devastating, or even lethal.What silly creatures! Such affections will eventually lead to the demise of all humanity."
      The father and daughter, lying together on the ground, would never part ever since.
 
点评嘉宾
 
杜砚,2014“外研社杯”全国英语写作大赛冠军
 
      这篇文章描绘的其实是电影、电视剧中常常看到的场景:坏人要把两个相爱的人分开,这样一个生离死别的时刻,两个人都想保护对方不受伤害,然后就是害怕,挣扎,撕心裂肺,不顾一切。
      而在我看来,这样看似常见的情节,却被作者巧妙利用起来,造就了一篇成功的文章。本文的作者的成功之处便是将这样一个我们都很熟悉的情节设定,和题目本身结合起来,写出了创意,写出了深刻和美。
      美,美在语言。这篇记叙文读起来不像记叙文,像故事,像小说,而这一点在我看来,是较为难得的。我总认为,要写好记叙文这一个版块,很重要的一点就是应该把自己定位成一个storyteller而不是一名选手,即使身在考场,眼前是一篇已经写好开头的文章和已经开始倒计时的秒表,周围是奋笔疾书的同学,屋外是紧张等待的指导老师。只有摆正了自己的位置,才知道自己应该以怎样的语言叙述这个故事,应该采取什么角度,应该突出哪些细节。
      这篇文章的作者显然做到了。他的语言有一种娓娓道来的真切,比如第一段对于外星人的描写,形容词和修辞比喻的准确使用是其一,更可贵的是句式行文之流畅,长短句交替使用之娴熟,某些地方还带着些许科幻小说叙事特有的味道。
      另外值得一提的是作者的对话描写,有几处可谓是相当精彩。我个人很喜欢外星人说的那几句话,带着天然的冷冷的优越感,没有情感的语调,和内心柔软的父亲和女儿形成了鲜明的对比。
      创意,主要体现在作者将外星人这个科幻题材和对人性的探讨结合在一起,特别是其中一段,谈到外星人要把女儿抓去来研究父母和孩子之间的情感关系这一部分,作者很巧妙地把自己对这样的情感关系的探究和思考和题目契合起来,既显精妙构思,又不显得突兀,使下文情节的发展更加合情合理。
深刻,主要是在整个文章的立意上。没有立意的文章或者故事或多或少都显得苍白了些,科幻小说也不例外。整个文章从一开始描写外星人的形态,到外星人说明来意,再到父亲从愤怒到不舍,女儿从恐惧到坚强的情感变化,环环相扣,最后堆砌出的高潮便是“the alien commander erupted, giving out a beam of blinding light, which then enveloped the man and the girl”, 之后便是画龙点睛般的一句“ Love is dangerous, devastating, or even lethal...such affections will eventually lead to the demise of all humanity”, 似总结的语言,引人深思,比如我就会不自主地想到科幻小说中常见的高深科学和人性之间的矛盾关系。当然,一千个读者心中就有一千个哈姆雷特,每个人对这篇文章的理解也不尽相同,但是作者通过这篇文章提出自己的思考,便是一大成功之处了。
      这篇文章也有几处轻微的不完美,比如,作者用省略号省去了父亲和女儿的争论内容,其实我觉得,若是时间充足,写一写也是无妨的,删去了未免可惜,因为其实父亲和女儿身上还有很多可以深挖的料呢,比如这个父亲和女儿从前有什么经历?他们的父女关系是什么样的,等等。若是能把笔墨分一些在这上面,他们之间的争执在读者眼里可能就有了一番新的意义。所以在人物塑造方面,希望这位选手可以进一步改进。
      总体来说这是一篇很赞的考场记叙文!