【写作】2015写作大赛亚军韩宁宁记叙文展示

2016/03/22 10:30:25
2015“外研社杯”全国英语写作大赛决赛记叙文赛题
 
Read the beginning of the story below and complete the story in 600-800 words.
 
An Unexpected Guest
      Riya was terrified when she heard the news on television that an alien spaceship had landed in her city. As a precaution, her father closed all the doors and windows.
      Though everyone was asleep, Riya could not sleep a wink. The thought of aliens in her city kept her mind racing. It was almost midnight when she heard the door bell ring.
      By now she was really scared. She ran towards the door but her father instructed her to go back to bed. She pretended to go towards her room, but hid behind the sofa and watched her father open the door.
 
选手破题思路
 
韩宁宁,2015“外研社杯”全国英语写作大赛亚军
 
      我是习惯把两篇题目都先过一遍,一方面是为了熟悉一下题目,另一方面是决定先写哪个。我选择先写记叙文,有两个原因:一是看了一遍题目,我脑子里立马就有话可说,有故事可写;二是刚进考场,感觉心还没有完全沉下来,比较激动,不适合写逻辑性强,有深度的议论文,但思维活跃,适合发挥想象,表达感情,很适合记叙文的开展。所以我先从记叙文下手,而把议论文放到了最后。
      记叙文中,首先映入我脑海的一个情节就是外星人要把地球人带走,原因是环境污染、恐怖袭击、自然灾害频发。这块可以很好地与当下国情及时事联系起来,体现当下大学生的人文情怀与责任意识。但是父女二人不能离开地球,他们又用更充分的理由留在了地球,包括地球上美好感人的一面以及他们对地球家园的热爱。这也是受启发于前段时间很火的扎克伯格给女儿的一封信,信中就是先抑后扬,阐述了世界虽然存有动荡与危机,但仍有越来越好的一面。
      之后,马上要写的时候,我突然想到了这个外星人的身份是小女孩的妈妈,因为题目中只提到了父亲和女儿,唯独没有妈妈。在一个家庭中,有了妈妈才更加完整,所以为什么不把外星人定位为归来的妈妈呢?这样,文章框架才确定了下来。
      情节很清晰,可是写的过程中也出现了很多问题。其中最明显的就是没安排好时间与结构,前面写的太细致,太嗨了,以致都写了800多字了,地球好的一面才刚开始。
      由于时间和字数的要求,只能先匆匆结尾,等两篇作文都写完后,在剩下的十五分钟内,对记叙文加以删减、精炼,腾出更多的笔墨来写地球好的一面以及结尾,因为原本是着重写后面地球积极的一面的。此外,还好是记叙文,所以最后简洁收尾,点明主题,也并不显突兀。
 
选手佳作展示
 
      文章为从系统摘出的原生作品,目的是为了展现出选手三个小时内的写作风貌,可能存在部分拼写错误,仅供学习分享使用。
 
      Her father was cautiously trying to open the door little by little, but once he twisted the doorknob, the door opened all of a sudden with a beam of bright light and a irresistable wind blowing towards him. He was shocked and scared with his eyes and mouth open big.
      Behind the light, here comes an elgant lady with long light blue hair sliding down her shoulders, just like a waterfall. Hiding behind the sofa, somewhat Riya felt a sense of kindness and familiarity. As the woman moved closer to them, she recognized that it was her dead mother. Her father was choked to speechless. So did Riya. And unconsciously, Riya stood up from behind the sofa.
      The "ceased" mother opened her mouth firstly. " Oh, my sweethearts, I am here to pick you up. Let's go to the space together."
      "Are you Jane, my beautiful Jane?" He spoke with uncertainty, and his voice was vibrating.
      "Yeah, I am Jane, the one always loves you and cherishes you." Her head spinned to Riya," Riya, come here, give mummie a hug." She said, smiling with tears.
      Riya was so surprised that she could understand what was happenning. But it feels like something was attracting her to walk towards Mom. She could not help asking, " Really? But why you come from space?"
      She loosed a breath, and said,"I was dead indeed. However, one alien brought me back to life. He was a powerful old man, with huge square head, sharp body and long beard made up of silver. It was a wonderful place, no polution, no fights. I am here to bring you to space, because I know, the situation on the earth is worsening. The terrorist attacks are hapennning everyday. The environment pollution is accelerating. The human beings are dying every minute, from hunger, disease and wars."
      "How do you know that?" The father asked bewilderingly.
      "We aliens can see what is happening clearly on the earth. Recently, many refugees from Syria are striving to survive in Europe. Whereas, unfortunately, a great number of them are drowning in the ocean. Especially that 3-year-old little boy, lying on the beach solitudely and pathetically. He should have been in the arm of his mother, or in the small and sweet bed to fall asleep peacefully and quietly. In spite of that sad and tough situation, many hard-minded Europeans refuse to open the door to the poor immigrants. Worse stil, how many people died of terrorist attacks? The fire shooting in American campus caused 14 kids dead;
      The brutal attack on "Charlie's Magazine" robbed millions of French people's freedom and right on speaking; The unforgettable massacre in Paris, ruined people's pleasure in concert, plaza and stadium. That is human, that is how cruel and brutal they are."
      Riya said with her big and beautiful eyes winking, "We cannot leave the earth just because of this. After all, we have been living here for such a long time."
      "If that is not enough, then what about the environment pollution? Look at the sky, it is totally blanketed by hte smog. We even could not see the distance beyond 3 miles. That makes me sick. I can hardly breathe in such a bad weather. Even though all the citizens wear masks, the horrible diseases could not be avoided. Nowadays, many people died of AIDS, malaria and various cancers. People's lungs, hearts, and livers are exposed to the pollution terribly. Do you want to end with diseases?"
      The father's heart sunk. But after a silence, he claimed," You are right, and what you said is true. Nevertheless, as you are, many people just focus on the dark and devil side of the world. Many beautiful and touching moments are neglected by you. The founder and CEO of Facebook donated 99% of the asset--approximately 45 billion dollars to philanthropy, aimed at facilitating the development of medical treatment on diseases, education in rural areas and Iinternet connection for more information available equally to all the people in every corner of the world. That is not merely for his noe-born daughter, but more importantly, it is for a better generation. Many enterpreneurs are trying to making contributions to the world, like the Ice Bucket Challenge last year, that devoted a lot to help those suffering children. The world is becoming better and better. And we hope you can stay with us, in our imperfect but important planet. It is in this planet that we know each other, fall in love with each other and compose this family. We cannot leave and please do ont go, just to be with us."
      The Mom was moved by what he said, and said yes. They decided to live in planet and change the planet to a better and beautiful homeland they wanted. That was what everyone on the earth should and must do.
 
 
往届选手点评
 
杜砚,2014“外研社杯”全国英语写作大赛冠军
 
      这是一篇带着议论性质的记叙文。
      首先谈破题。我觉得顺着题目的思路,引出外星人母亲的出现,再通过母亲和家人的对话展现作者自己的看法心声,是对题目的一个很好的展开方式。这样的处理不但契合题意,也为作者自己的发挥提供了很大的空间。
      其次谈语言。与其他记叙文不同,这篇文章很大一部分是对话,而语言最为精彩的部分也在对话。对话中,“死而复生“的母亲讲述地球上发生的种种动荡和灾难,希望丈夫和女儿可以和自己到外星球生活,而女儿和父亲却通过种种例子说明,地球正越变越好,我们都有责任留在地球,努力把他变得更好。在这些对话中我读到了作者自己的风格,看到了她对世界的思考。她借着笔下人物的口,声声呼吁我们应该并肩携手,共创更和谐的世界,更美丽的地球。特别是文章最后一句“ this is what everyone on the earth should and must do”, 让我动容。对话中,我可以读出一家人你一言我一语中对世界的关怀,同时这些对话中作者举出的例子之详细,也可以看出她对时事的了解和关心。
      如果是我,可能会努力以一种“showing”而不是“telling”的方式展现当今世界的疾苦,因为在我心里,记叙文常常是含蓄的。对我来说,写记叙文(或者是写故事,写小说)时,特别像是隔了一层薄薄的窗户纸,向位于另一边的读者倾吐心声。他们眼里的我,是犹抱琵琶半遮面的讲诉者,而若是捅破了这层窗户纸,把我想说的话原原本本告诉他们,他们便会觉得少了一点什么。我想建议这位选手的是,是否可以尝试通过更多细节描写突出自己所想表达的人物和立意,当然,这也仅为个人的建议。