【写作】2015写作大赛亚军袁铭钰记叙文展示

2016/03/22 10:48:04
2015“外研社杯”全国英语写作大赛决赛记叙文赛题
 
Read the beginning of the story below and complete the story in 600-800 words.
 
An Unexpected Guest
      Riya was terrified when she heard the news on television that an alien spaceship had landed in her city. As a precaution, her father closed all the doors and windows.
      Though everyone was asleep, Riya could not sleep a wink. The thought of aliens in her city kept her mind racing. It was almost midnight when she heard the door bell ring.
      By now she was really scared. She ran towards the door but her father instructed her to go back to bed. She pretended to go towards her room, but hid behind the sofa and watched her father open the door.
 
选手破题思路
 
袁铭钰,2015“外研社杯”全国英语写作大赛亚军
 
      这篇记叙文的题目是An Unexpected Guest, 已给出的前半部分隐晦地提到the alien可能会是那个意料之外的客人,而我想的是,如果人类登陆飞船或者外星球,对外星人来说也会是An Unexpected Guest, 然而这一点我也没有把握地很好,在平衡unexpected,guest两个关键词时过多着墨在“客人”上。
      另外,记叙文重在刻画人物性格特征或铺排心理变化,这两点也不是我很擅长的,幸而题目与我感兴趣的科幻题材相关,所以我从情节处着手来写这篇记叙文。
      之前,我看了 The Martian 原版小说,Andy Weir以日志体的叙事方法推进故事,用非常通俗的语言但又足够有料的硬科幻拉近了读者和主人公Watney之间的距离,我也尝试写直白的对话和心理,结果太平铺直叙反而泯然众人。
      倒是Ted Chiang那本著名的 Stories of Your Life and Others 给了我灵感,和刘慈欣一样,Ted Chiang很擅长在科幻语境下讨论非常哲学的命题,这一点我当然无所企及。
      我试着讨论未知的召唤力总比确定的引力更强,所以尽管Riya在开篇处于一个非常惊恐的心理状态,在文章末尾她已经能够与Koch融洽地围炉夜话,直至最后面临一个留在地球或前往另一个宇宙的两难选择。在文中我没有为难Riya,可能因为故事里她好奇天真,还是一个没有建立起成年人世界观的小女孩,所以一切只是一个玫瑰色的,有些惊奇的梦。
      但最后我想说,这篇记叙文写得有点不克制,关键时候没有刹住车,所以背景部分有些冗长而结尾又显得太仓促,总之还有很多地方欠缺。
 
 
佳作展示
 
      A beam of meek and mild moonlight was piercing through the window. William the Jr, Riya's father, was confused and also worried, whowould ring the doorbell in midnight since everyone in the town was warned that wander at streets or outside home was notallowed in case of any attack by outer space creatures. William doodled and unlocked the door cautiously, glancing at the outsidequickly but discovering nothing. He locked the door and examined once again while his daughter Riya who has an inquiring mind,terrified but still curious, could not wait to see who was exactly knocking the door. William murmured: "such a strange scenario," thenwent back to the bedroom. Riya then secretly moved to the door in dark. A slight click, showed her farther had returned to his dream. Riya composed her thoughts, felt reassuring that William didn't notice that his little mischievous girl had already slipped away.
      Riya opened the door quietly and walked into the yard, the tender and tranquil moon was not disturbed by the unexpected knock.Riya stood still, attracted to the exceptionally beautiful night. Time flied unconsciously, the lunar white light turned into light blue,navy blue then indigo. An enormously giant spaceship overlapped the round moon once by the time, Riya was too terrified tospeak or even shout. Suddenly, a sprawling wind encompassing Riya's body and a human-like creature moving towards Riya.
      Riya's fear outweighed her curiosity, she went back, didn't cry because her throat was sealed by panic. However, the bump in the road deterred Riya from returning back to home. She fell down, freaked out, and hurt her knees. Finally, she burst into tears while a shadow of a man-like creature over her hand were becoming even bigger.
      "Did you hurt yourself, my young lady," Riya heard a gentle voice spoke, " I apologize for my ruddiness, I’m sure I will heal yourscar. " Riya turned back her head, seeing an adorable young man was smiling. He was a human, except his wholly blue skin.
      "May I?" the man said then helped Riya to stand, his skin was cold and bloodless.
      "Hello, but WHO ARE YOU." Riya's voice was trembling.
      "Well, that is a difficult question, why not go back to my house, sip a cup of tea, then I will tell you my story,” the blue man smiled, waiting for Riya's answer.
      "Alright, accept your hospitality." Riya was attracted to his kindness and friendliness, "But what do you mean by your house,"Riya stared at the gigantic spaceship landed on the field.
      "Right there, come with me, young lady." The blue alien bent, inviting Riya as if he is familiar with human etiquette.
      Riya's heart beat fast then ever when she walked into the spaceship, all the decoration and furniture was same as normal, except a huge center panel display surrounded the whole wall.
      Riya escorted at the cozy sofa, wearing a warm blanket, sipping her favoriteEarly Grey. Koch, the blue man, the modern Spock, were telling his story to a fifteen-year-old young girl, from his naissance to his arrival to earth.
      "So when did you leave the Milky Way." Riya asked, "I mean, since you are not belonging to our galaxy."
 
往届选手点评
 
杜砚,2014“外研社杯”全国英语写作大赛冠军
 
      2015年的记叙文赛题和之前一样,是续写。而续写,则对我们的审题提出更高的两点要求:一是要延续题目部分的背景和故事情节而不显突兀,二是要丰富题目所给的人物和情境,体现选手的创意。题目交待了这个故事的背景及部分人物,还有事情的起因,设定了一个“宇宙飞船降落城市,父亲女儿半夜听到门铃响起”的场景。这位选手很好地沿续了题目的思路,描绘了她偷偷跑出门后遇见外星人的故事,情节设计合情合理。从审题这个角度来看,这位选手做到了上文提到的第一点,做到了很好地扣题。
      那么第二点呢?我认为,在丰富题目所给的人物和情境这个方面,这位选手做到了细致描绘了女孩的形象,运用一些细节丰富了她聪明伶俐,富有探险精神的性格。比如,作者写出了女孩看到父亲开门却一个人也没看到时内心的好奇和害怕,还有她由于好奇最后打开了门溜了出去,以及最后她看到宇宙飞船时惊讶害怕,落荒而逃,一跤摔在了地上。这些细节既符合题目中暗示的女孩的性格特点,又有作者自己思考和设计的影子,当然,要是能够多加一些女孩的心理描写,就更好了。
      除了审题准确之外,选手的行文和语言也有许多可圈可点之处。比如,在描写女孩第一次见到外星人时,选手的语言很自如地在女孩的视角和第三人称叙述的视角之间转换,同时也细腻地描绘了女孩和外星人接触时的动作,声音和言语,令人有一种身临其境之感。在这些描写中,作者没有用到特别高深的词汇,却把每个词都用得准确,恰到好处,不显繁复冗长。
      在整个文章的结构方面,作者也下了功夫。故事开篇,作者用细腻的环境描写和人物描写突出了故事的情景,把读者带入奇妙的科幻世界,让我们一步步跟着女孩探索,同时在文章的后半部分又巧妙设计了高潮,揭示了女孩Riya 的身世。这样的结构,在不超过两小时的写作的过程中,是很难得的。然而,可能也是由于时间的关系,整个文章的结尾明显力量不足,用“Riya was totally struck, then waked from a dream”来结束,多少显得有些突兀。若是在结尾处多下一点功夫,一定会为这篇佳作锦上添花。
      就记叙文的创意这点来说,我觉得能够在短时间内写出这样的文字足以体现作者的能力。因为时间过短,选手很难做到另辟蹊径,写出一个完全不同的,让人耳目一新的故事出来。而且短篇小说(或故事)由于篇幅短小,其承载的深意比小说更凝练,有时候需要作者更长时间的推敲。所以我想,在大赛限时写作的情况下,所谓创意,不一定是多么引人入胜的剧情和多么让人意想不到的结局,更多的是通过文章传递一个message,体现选手自己对于人生和世界的感悟和思考。
      最后,我想用一句话结束我对这篇记叙文的点评:Good writing is a mixture of the calculated and instinctual。这句话是我在一篇谈写作的文章中看到的。我一直都特别认同这句话,因为写作是一门艺术,需要灵感,也少不了细心的雕琢。要写好记叙文,需要兼顾创意和结构、行文及语言表达等多个方面,既要敢于另辟蹊径,也要耐下心推敲细节,斟酌词句。当然,在短短三小时内,做到这些是极其困难的,但长远来说,若能秉着不断探索,敬惜文字的态度写作,一定会取得可喜的进步。