【写作】2016写作大赛记叙文展示 | A Letter to Summer Camp

2017/03/21 09:00:59
2016“外研社杯”全国英语写作大赛记叙文赛题
 
Read the beginning of Margaret Atwood’s “A Letter to America”, which uses a personified style to address the country. Write a letter to an event or an object in your life in a similar personified style, telling the story or stories that happened between the two of you. Please write 600–800 words.
 
Example:
A Letter to America
Dear America,
      This is a difficult letter to write, because I’m no longer sure who you are.
      Some of you may be having the same trouble. I thought I knew you: We’d become well acquainted over the past 55 years. You were the Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck comic books I read in the late 1940s. You were the radio shows—Jack Benny, Our Miss Brooks. You were the music I sang and danced to: the Andrews Sisters, Ella Fitzgerald, the Platters, Elvis. You were a ton of fun.
 
破题思路
 
(鲁昊,湖北工程学院新技术学院,2016“外研社杯”全国英语写作大赛一等奖)
 
      今年的写作大赛记叙文部分和以往有些许不同,要求选手根据材料中的 “A Letter to America” 文体样式,运用拟人化的手法,写一封信给身边的事物或事件。由于时间有限,在快速浏览了材料之后,结合要求,只能是事件或事物,我便结合外研社仿佛似曾相识的选手和评委老师,有感而发想到了今年八月份参加的夏令营活动。
      在确定了主题之后,我便开始了我的“创作”。首先,我将夏令营直呼为you,以凸显拟人化手法及情感的真挚,并在开头模仿书信体格式写了几句寒暄语;其次,我简单回忆了为期五天的夏令营发生的事情;再次,我在分段中将这些事件进行详细陈述,并全程将夏令营当做“人”来描述;最后,结尾句我以散文常用的语句结束,表达了我对夏令营的思恋之情,文末仅此一句,以避免重复啰嗦。同时,我也意识到,受困于时间的紧迫和个人写作水平,本文语言平凡,为此必须日积月累以提升语言水平。文章句式不是很丰富,而且情节的处理需要仔细揣摩。更重要的是,由于材料没有书信体所必须的开头称呼问候及结尾的落款,我便遗忘了这一点,在之后的检查时我才发现了该问题,这也成了我本次大赛的最大遗憾。
      不过,这次大赛给了我十足的信心和充分的大赛经验,这才是最重要的收获!
 
选手作品展示
 
为真实展示选手三小时内的写作风貌,文章为从系统摘出的原生作品,仅供学习分享使用。
 
A Letter to Summer Camp
 
Dear Summer Camp,
 
      When I open the album of the Summer Camp for College Students held in Kunming, Yunnan Province, China, my memory becomes vivid as if it happened yesterday. Though several months have passed, the memory still withstands the wear and tear of the time.
      I am wondering that whether you still remember me. Maybe you've already forgot, for you have so many friends in your 6-day period in Kunming. However, you meant so much to me. Your speech contest inspired me a lot, which opened my mind. Your talent contest brodened my horizen, which made me more aware of how talented others were while how tiny a spicies I was compared with the universe. It facilitated me to intensify efforts to improve myself, enrich myself, and displine myself. Your debate competition enabled me to know how versatile the contestants were despite their endowment in English. Your journey to the Stone Forest rendered me a precise opportunity to know more about the miracle created by the nature. It was the very first time that I had acquired the chance to be exposed by the UNSECO World Natural Heritage. You rendered me a marvelous platform to get acquaint with so many top-notch students who represent the highest level in English. Your importance for me can never be too emphasized.
      On arriving the site of your camp in Yunnan Normal University, I received a warm welcome from your organizers and staff. I have got deep feeling about the fine weather in Kunming, which is renowned as the Spring City in China. The dormitory offered by your zealous staff member left me a very refreshing feeling that I have never received, for the dorm was in a multi-story building,so I was able to have a bird-view to the whole campus of the university. There were only two participants in the dorm, which means I had more pivacy and freedom. To make things better, my roommate was also from the same province as I was. We had common interests and hobbies, and he was a really nice guy who have rendered me numerous assistance both in academic learing and daily life.
      Your opening ceremony made me know more about the distingushed professors and dedicated judge panel. Contestants in your opening ceremony were all energetic about the questions raised by the professor, the effects were highly optimistic. Other contestants left their anxiety behind and became brave to ask questions to the professor.
      Your yummy and healthy food totally worked up our appetite withou fail. You have totally take different tastes from different regions into consideration. The types of the cuisine were diversified, covering from meat to vegetables, from soup to porridge, from fruit to milk, to name but a few.
Your competitive contests, namely, speech competition, talent competition,and debate competition, made me under great pressure yet excited. Though I wasn't renowned as any supreme prizes, I learned more than just trophy. I have gained friendship which could not gained in any other way. I have acquired valuable knowledge which cannot be learnt in the classroom and in the society. Above all, I dared to speak in public using English, which meant a lot to me. It not only bolstered up my confidence, but also sharpened my skills and tenacity to be relaxed in front of the public.
      Your journey put all the stressful minds at ease. We all wore the same uniform, which formed an attracting scenery in the tourist site. Tourists in the Stone Forest were all attracted by us and we all felt extremely comfortable to introduce our activities to others.
      Your awarding ceremony made me both exicited yet a little distressed. The exicitement lied in that all the efforts paid off. Contestants ramped up efforts to pracitise, to refine, to edite. Finally, they got return. While the disappointment derived from the sadness of departing our lovely friends as well as the innocent friendship during the six days. But there is no thing that will last forever. As we departed from each other, our friendship remained.
      Several months have passes, yet my memory does not fade away at all. At this moment, I wold like to express my sincere and heartfelt gratitude to you, to all the participants and delegates. Thank you for making me become the member of the big family. Thank you for making me learn so much. Thank you for offering me such a precise chance to know about so many talents and genius in this field. Mere words cannot express my feelings, I will remember the great memory you have offered me.
      Dear Summer Camp, how long can we meet again?
                                                      
Yours sincerely
 
 
嘉宾点评
 
邵珊老师
南京师范大学外国语学院副教授,文学博士,英语系主任
多年从事英语教学,所授课程包括英美文学、高级英语阅读与写作等。
 
      “A Letter to a Summer Camp” 这篇作文以作者在云南参加的夏令营活动作为叙述对象,在文章中表达了他对这个活动的回忆以及依依不舍的感情。
      结构完整,头尾呼应
      作文开头描写了作者因为看到相册而触动了对云南夏令营这桩往事的回忆,总体介绍了这次活动对作者的深刻意义和影响;接下来作者从夏令营提供的住宿、开幕式、一日三餐、比赛内容、旅游活动、闭幕式等几个方面分述了对这次夏令营的美好记忆;最后在总结中表达了作者对这次活动的感激和依依惜别之情。文章结构组织有序,先总再分再总,开头结尾呼应,结构显得比较整齐完整。
      语言丰富,句式整齐
      从作者在语言的把握上,也可以看出作者的英语语言功力扎实,比如作者注意到了句式的整齐规整,有意识且恰当地多次运用排比句,如:to improve myself, enrich myself, and displine myself; Thank you for making me become the member of the big family. Thank you for making me learn so much. Thank you for offering me such a precise chance to know about so many talents and genius in this field,来突出自己的强烈情感。词汇的选择上比较成熟地道,如:You rendered me a marvelous platform to get acquaint with so many top-notch students who represent the highest level in English. It not only bolstered up my confidence, but also sharpened my skills and tenacity to be relaxed in front of the public. the memory still withstands the wear and tear of the time.从这些用词上可以看出作者是个英语学习的有心人,很注意在平时大量阅读时词汇和句子表达的积累和运用。
      关于记叙文写作的建议
      记叙文写作时候应该让自己的描述更specific一点(这也是我们在作文训练中反复强调的)。讲述得越是具体,形象才越是鲜明,才能使读者产生共鸣,不然的话,就会流于空洞。记叙文就是通过发现并记叙生活中一些具体的人或事,从而引发你和读者共同思考和感动的一种文体。那些优秀的记叙文往往能从小处着手,却引发大的思考。而这篇作文写了夏令营活动的很多方面,基本做到了面面俱到,但却没有深入到某一点来挖掘这个活动之所以有意义的具体内容,比如演讲是什么题目啊,有什么才艺展示啊,会议餐具体吃的什么呀(meat和vegetable这样的词就算不够specific),同住的同学有共同的爱好,那是什么爱好啊,这些都具体的写出来,读者才真正对你参加的活动有认识,有感觉。否则任何一个夏令营活动都可以套用这篇文字,这个活动的独特意义就没有被表现出来。
      再者,同学们在平时的写作训练中,相比于议论文,记叙文练习得较少,经常会出现“议”大于“叙”的情况,在对一个具体事件或人物的描述和叙述方面同学们还需要多多练习。