【写作】2016写作大赛冠军王鹏翔记叙文展示 | A Letter to My Hometown

2017/03/21 10:15:11
2016“外研社杯”全国英语写作大赛决赛记叙文赛题
 
      Read the beginning of Margaret Atwood's "A Letter to America", which uses a personified style to address the country. Write a letter to an event or an object in your life in a similar personified style, telling the story or stories that happened between the two of you. Please write 600–800 words.
 
Example:
A Letter to America
Dear America,
      This is a difficult letter to write, because I'm no longer sure who you are.
      Some of you may be having the same trouble. I thought I knew you: We'd become well acquainted over the past 55 years. You were the Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck comic books I read in the late 1940s. You were the radio shows—Jack Benny, Our Miss Brooks. You were the music I sang and danced to: the Andrews Sisters, Ella Fitzgerald, the Platters, Elvis. You were a ton of fun.
 
 
选手破题思路
 
(王鹏翔,广西外国语学院,2016“外研社杯”全国英语写作大赛冠军)
 
      刚拿到作文题的时候,我足足把作文要求读了三遍,因为记叙文并不是我擅长的文体。题目要求以加拿大女作家Margaret Atwood的“A Letter to America”为例,要求选手“Write a letter to an event or an object in your life in a similar personified style, telling the story or stories that happened between the two of you.” 由于例子中给的对象是一个国家、一个地点,而我曾经写过类似的文章,就是去描述自己熟悉的一个地方。由于比赛时间紧迫,我毫不犹豫地确定把我的家乡作为写作对象。
      题目要求中明确说了要使用拟人化的语言来描述对象,而这不是我很擅长的,因此我就顺着题目中的要求,主要围绕自己对家乡的思念之情来下笔。由于今年的赛题和以往的故事续写类作文有所不同,我就使用了过多的笔墨去刻画这一个人格化的家乡,因此显得语言有些啰嗦,没有一针见血。我甚至把家乡想象成自己的母亲和自己的亲人,如果是那样,我应该怎么写?
      最后在完成这篇文章的时候,我又留有一些微微的遗憾,因为在情节叙述方面和事物特点的塑造方面,我还有很多不足。结尾处有些突兀,没有给人意味深长之感。总而言之,记叙文还是我的一大短板,我需要在此方面下更大的功夫。
 
选手作品展示
 
为真实展示选手三小时内的写作风貌,文章为从系统摘出的原生作品,仅供学习分享使用。
 
A Letter to My Hometown
 
My dear hometown,
 
      This is a quite challenging letter to write, because I'm no longer sure who you are.
      I'm certain you share the similar feeling with you, don't you? I had thought I knew you from every inch of your skin: We'd spent time together over the past 20 years. You were the old books and televisions I read and watched in the late 1980s. You were the two longest rivers---Changjiang River(Yangtze) and Yellow River, connecting you and me no matter how far the distance is. You were the popular singers, when whose songs are played beside me, I thought I was on top of the world. You mean everything to me.
      These unforgettable moments keep flashing through my mind, and they finally inspire me to pick up my pen. I still remember the time when I got my first ever compliment from my Mom, you shone like a light house, accompanying me and guiding me wherever I want to go. Seeing the morning dew on the leaves scattering on the floor, I knew that a brand new day was about to come by. I rode on the road to school, apprieciating the beauty all around me, the uneven narrow pavement being the most exciting place I wanted to go to.
      For many years far away from you, there's still a vague image of your appearance anchored in my mind. The most popular stand selling noodles, the splendid paradise for kids to play, the old-style building where people used to chat and play cards with delight... Have they vanished? Do they still stay where it was? A feeling of perplexity overwhelms me.
      Putting the troubles and puzzles at the back of our mind, I cannot helping telling myself that moment when I, as well as my classmates, had scheduled to go far from home to have a picnic, and you welcomed us with bright sunlight shining on our faces, when, on the way, you suddenly treated us a pouring rain. Can you recall that? It was quite annoying to all of us. Curses, depression kept spilling out from our mouths, yet you turn a blind eye to our condition at that moment. Of course we all ended up being wet through, and that experience had taught me a lesson: When you smile, I'd better stay where I am!
      My friends at present keep asking me tons of questions about you, eager to know what exactly you look like, and I just tell them that you are beautiful as you always are. Shouldn't you give me a kiss or a hug? HaHa, I believe we both know how much we matter to each other. But many years have gone by, and we have lost touch for long, are you happy right now? I always keep asking myself this question when I go to bed each day, the complex feeling of missing home haunting me all the time. Awake at night, the pictures of you and me taken in the past, with the park around me, often seem to appear in front of me, as if they were the live ones, but when I reach out my hand, it simply vanishes without any sound.
      I tried to form a clear picture of you, but to no avail. Only the fragments in my mind can remind me of the pleasant time we experienced together, and every now and then, I like to show some old pictures to my friends,'Is she beautiful?'. Having received admiration and jealousy, I feel my mind refreshed and open. We still have time and chance to meet, but why do I say that as if it were a forever farewell? Maybe it's just because you have penetrated into my life. In two months, I'll be heading for you. Do welcome me! I shall get something you've never seen before for you. So do wait for me! 
 
点评嘉宾
 
牛云凤
2013年外研社杯全国英语写作大赛冠军
2013年全国大学生英语能力竞赛特等奖
2015年联合国学术影响力和ELS合办的世界多语种写作大赛获奖
 
      关注大赛的U粉儿不难看出,此次大赛的记叙文题目有所创新。以往都是续写,今年的赛题是给出了玛格丽特·阿特伍德的名篇A Letter to America,要求选手同样以拟人化的手法,写一封信给生活中的一件事或一个物体。这无形中增加了不少难度,选手需要有充足的储备知识和生活经历,然后根据题目要求进行完整的文章的创作。
      作者的题目是给家乡的一封信,此立意与题目给出的文章类似。包括作者文章的第一段“This is a quite challenging letter to write, because I'm no longer sure who you are.”和第二段绝大部分内容是临摹范文写的。看得出作者还是比较会寻捷径的,这本也是个非常吸引人的开头。读者会忍不住思考,为什么写这封信会很难以及为什么作者不再能清楚的认识自己的家乡。但由于题目中已经读过,所以效果打了折扣。可能由于时间有限,没能充分发挥想象力。
      整篇文章内容素材选择上较有新意。作者先是回忆了自己与故乡的点点滴滴,街头巷尾的百姓生活,以及自己和同学野餐时被突然而至的大雨淋透的有趣经历。这个故事也是文章的出彩之处。通常写到故乡,读者期待的或预见的一般都是泛泛的溢美之词。而作者另辟蹊径,描写了作者在晴空万里的天气里去野餐,结果却赶上突如其来的大雨,让读者眼前一亮,非常有代入感,而且家乡俏皮可爱的模样跃然纸上。一定是对家乡有着深厚感情的人才能把她的顽皮也当做是可爱吧。个人建议,此处的故事还可以更加细致地写一下,比如自己经历从开心地出门野餐到遭遇大雨返回的心理变化,那些又懊恼又觉得有趣的哭笑不得的心理状态。文章最后写出作者离家多年对家乡现状的困惑,关于家乡的回忆的陪伴以及强调了一定会择日返乡的决心。内容可圈可点,素材贴近生活,文章张弛有度。
      文章语言朴实,风趣易懂。句式灵活,长短句交叉使用使文章颇有韵律。作者比较擅长修辞手法的运用,文中多次运用拟人、对偶和排比等,美中不足的是词汇不是很丰富,有些许词汇和短语使用错误。考虑到比赛时间有限,拼写错误偶有发生亦在情理之中。
      文章结构比较清晰。第1段和第2段是文章的开头和第1部分。第3、4段作为文章的第2部分,写出了作者对家乡现状的困惑,衔接第1、2段。第5、6段是文章的精华部分,开始讲述作者与家乡的故事。最后1段呼应主题,虽然作者有困惑,却依然决心要返乡。文章段落之间的衔接非常好,条理明晰。个人感觉,如果将第2部分简要地写,着重细致地描写故事部分,文章会更有感染力。
      整体来说,这是一篇不错的记叙文。也希望作者以及读者看到各闪光点的同时也要注意到细节的不完美,坚持阅读,注重写作,勤于构思,锻造精彩文章。