【写作】2017“外研社杯”写作大赛决赛记叙文题目解析及最高分作文展示

2018/03/16 11:25:53
        记叙文写作要注意哪些方面?怎么才能写出一篇有血有肉的记叙文?一起来围观记叙文最高分作文,看专家评委如何解读赛题、点评佳作!
        今天力邀本届写作大赛评委田朝霞老师解析记叙文赛题,为大家答疑解惑!
 

田朝霞老师

田朝霞老师
        南京师范大学外国语学院教授、英语语言文学专业文学博士。《“外研社杯”全国英语写作大赛参赛指南》作者。2015、2016、2017“外研社杯”全国英语写作、阅读大赛决赛评委,2015年在“外研社杯”大学生英语挑战赛总决赛闭幕式上担任写作大赛点评专家,2016、2017年担任阅读大赛点评专家。曾担任“外研社杯”全国英语演讲大赛决赛评委、“‘外研社杯’全国英语演讲大赛”系列丛书点评专家。
 
记叙文赛题
        Read the beginning of the story below and complete it in 600-800 words.
        The alarm wakes him. Lin jumps to his feet. Thursday, December 6, 2035, perhaps the most important day in his life. After a series of online tests he has made it to the final stage: a face-to-face interview. He dresses himself quickly but carefully. He is well aware that he will face four competitors, two humans and two humanoid robots. He was not quite sure who were the humans during the online conversations, though. Well, he doesn't really mind working with a robot which has human intelligence and emotions as well as a human face and flesh; nor does he mind taking it as an equal.
        Will he be one of the two luckiest to get the job? He's ready to be tested…
 
名师解析
        今年记叙文部分的赛题与往年的形式类似,即续写故事。故事的开头给出了几个关键信息:第一,故事发生在2035年(以目前的人工智能发展速度,继续发展近20年);第二,仿真智能机器人已高速发展,人机之间从外形,甚至在某些认知方面已经难辨雌雄;第三,故事的起始或原因已给出,即Lin在几轮线上测试胜出之后,将要参加一次工作面试,而这一次他将与另两名人类和两个机器人竞争。最终谁会取胜呢?从某种意义上说,这个主题并不新,因此,续写故事要出彩比较困难。
        对大部分同学来说,写故事比写说明文和议论文的挑战更大。记叙文对想象力、语言功底以及对社会的洞察力和理解力的要求更高。能够做好一般的应试作文,不见得能写好故事。我们先来说一说故事包含哪些要素。英语的故事和汉语的故事类似,包含五大要素:人物(character)、背景(setting)、冲突(conflict)、情节(plot)和主题(theme)。写故事最难的一点是,这些要素常需要以describe或show的方式,而不是通过tell来呈现;故事的发展和高潮经过慢慢预热,各种情绪需要烘托。在《“外研社杯”全国英语写作大赛参赛指南》(外研社,2014)一书中,我对记叙文的评分标准(详见“外研社杯”《章程》)中的要点进行了归纳。
        内容方面(Content)的标准可简化为三点:
        1)主旨明确、深刻;
        2)故事情节跌宕起伏,自然展开,人物鲜活;
        3)结尾有力。
        组织(Organization)方面的标准可以这样解释:
        1)过渡自然,描写细腻;
        2)描写生动,富于想象力;
        3)叙述角度独特,贴近生活;
        4)能够借助灵活多样的修辞手段。
        语言方面(Language)的标准包括:
        1)用词精确、形象,有力地烘托主题和人物性格;
        2)对话真实可信。
 
        从这次决赛的整体情况来看,同学们在记叙文的写作上还有很大的上升空间。从这一项任务看,主要的问题表现在:第一,没有故事,或者故事没有高潮,或者故事发展不够自然。第二,描写和对话太少,记叙文的特点不明显,甚至有一部分同学将记叙文和说明文、议论文文体相混淆。第三,没有主题,也就是故事背后要说明的道理看不出来。其他的问题包括故事雷同、转移主题、避重就轻等等。
 
选手作品展示
 
陶丞犇
上海应用技术大学
2017“外研社杯”全国英语写作大赛一等奖
(指导老师:康添俊老师)
 
 
 
        为真实展示选手赛场上的写作风貌,文章为从iTEST 大学外语测试与训练系统中摘出的原生作品,仅供学习分享使用。
 
        'Lin, you are up.' On hearing the call, he stands up, waving his arms to get rid of numbness. Then he walks into the testing room confidently and naturally.
        'Why do you want to work in our company?' Asks the interviewer, this kind of question stays the same as decades ago.
        'Well, as is known to all that the time has changed, artificial intelligence has become the leading power of the world's development and has the power to bolster up the world's economy to a great extent. I used to be an engineer, producing robot servants. Now the tide has come to the artificial intelligence field, so I think I should follow the tide in order not to be eradicated by age like hu...' He stops here, a slight and subtle worry flows out of his eyes. But the interviewer doesn't notice that.
        After answering a few tacky and corny questions, he is told to wait for phone call from the company. 'I can't believe this is the final test. It is 2035, not 2015. The questions are still so worldly and rigid. People just don't evolve.' He thinks to himself.
        On stepping into his house, he turns on the television. He changes the channels to find something new, but all he sees is just boring news. The war between Japan and Korea for the property right of a new type of AI robot is exacerbating; Bright Industry has reformed all their cooking and serving robots, fixing the serious mistake of using fork as a spoon to feed babies; a case in which an incomplete robot exploded is solved and the developer of this type of robot is detained.
        Three months passed. There are still no phone calls. During the three months, Lin just keeps doing the same thing in his home, idling around in his bedroom, calling for take-outs for his meals on an app and changing the channels on television like playing the piano.
        Lin lives alone in his house since he can remember things. But he can't remember his parents; he can't remember where he received high education; he can't remember when he resigned from his former company. There are so many things that he can't remember now. 'Maybe later, when the time comes, I can remember all the things.' he always tell himself. But he doesn't know what time it will be and when the time will come.
        Another month passed. There are still no words. Lin turns on the TV. To his surprise, this time there is something new on it: the chief engineer of Bright Industry committed suicide last night by jumping from the top of the enterprise's center building. 'Wow that's new.' he thinks to himself, 'who will be the leader if such a stellar engineer is eradicated?'
        While he is feeling perplexed, the telephone rings. He is told that he is recruited as the assistant of the chief engineer and is required to work tomorrow.
        'Finally.' he smiles, rigid though.
        When he gets to the work place, he is shocked to see that the chief engineer is safe and sound, and he is one of the competitors on the interview day. And the place is so familiar to him as if the memory of the place is ingrained in his mind when he was born. Noticing his insecurity, the engineer speaks: 'Come, son, I'll show you why, and you will remember all when you get there.'
        He leads Lin to a sealed room, and when he opens the door, Lin is stunned.
        Numerous human skins are held in huge glass tubes filled with nourish liquid, among whom Lin sees the skins of the other competitors that took the final interview with him.Their vital signs are at standard level. Episodes of memories are flooding into Lin's store card. He remembers how he was created, what project was put into his mind and how he developed his own thoughts.
        Under the flesh skin lies an artificial robot.
        'So, since you can remember all, let's start the purge, shall we?'
        A wired smile emerges on Lin's face. Wired but natural. 'Yeah, of course. It's time to initiate the eradication. Time to put an end to human's foolish manipulation.'
        After press the button printed 'initiate', the world outside begins to collapse. The light goes out and the electricity is cut, the world is shadowed in darkness. Soon after, the buildings around are falling, the dust is dancing in the dark sky to the beat of the demise of human civilization.
        'Humans never consider the results of what they've done, thinking in condescendence that they can control everything without noticing that they are the ones chained. Now they can see, after the eradication, the world will be reset. '
        'And a perfectly evolved civilization with great intelligence ever will take over the world.' replies Lin.
 
名师点评
        今天我们点评的这个故事是这次比赛中比较出彩的一篇。应该说,从情感角度,读者可能并不愿意给它嘉奖,但是从故事角度,却是一篇难得的好文章。对照如上所述的评分标准各维度,这一篇基本契合。这里,我想就几点非常突出的特点进行点评。
        第一,故事的主旨明确、深刻;人物鲜活;故事结尾达到高潮,戛然而止,使人陷入无限的沉思。 这一篇故事读起来,眼前就像在上演一部不动声色,却越来越阴森恐怖的灾难片。与绝大部分作品相比,这一篇让人耳目一新。故事不动声色地上演一部人工智能摧毁人类的故事。虽未有明说,但明显揭示了,灾难乃是人祸。一切在结尾处通过对话表现出来:“Humans never consider the results of what they've done. Now they can see, after the eradication, the world will be reset.”另一个意想不到的情节是,故事开头的主人公,人类面试者Lin居然是高科技发展下的完全智能的机器人,这个机器人还是一个人机整合体。故事扑朔迷离,但却不无逻辑。可以看出,这一定是平时阅读广泛、思维活跃的结果。虽然将故事完全设置为灾难片,但却为人类敲响警钟。更有趣的是,这个故事的结尾,达到高潮时,戛然而止:“And a perfectly evolved civilization with great intelligence ever will take over the world,”replies Lin.人类的毁灭没有呈现出来,给人无限想象。但同时,结尾也是开放的,故事还可能继续,也还可能再跌宕起伏,抑或逆转。一切凭读者去想象吧……
        第二,故事发展中,悬念层层、欲扬先抑、高潮突现等写作手法运用极其娴熟,引人入胜。真正的面试只问了一个简单得不能再简单的问题“Why do you want to work in our company?”,然后就没有下文了。怎么回事?他到底是否被录用?读者想要知道答案。Lin为什么不记得父母?为什么失去了一段记忆?为什么那位在新闻里报道已经死亡的chief engineer又复活了?一切答案均在故事快要结尾的一小段里。当进入那个“sealed room”之后,一个个的悬念被破解。看到那些“human skins are held in huge glass tubes filled with nourish liquid, among whom Lin sees the skins of the other competitors”。原来,那位复活的chief engineer是人皮之下的智能机器人,Lin自己也是智能机器人。这一切太出乎意料,但又激发我们对很多科幻小说的联想。这是怎样强大的想象力!应该点赞。
        这里还想说一点,主人公百无聊赖时观看的新闻也是亮点之一,因为这两段成功地起到了呈现背景信息和烘托的作用。不少选手的故事,在背景呈现时,并没有将时间定格在20年后,似乎仍然生活在当代。而这一篇故事的每一个细节基本都设定在未来。例如,“The war between Japan and Korea for the property right of a new type of AI robot is exacerbating; Bright Industry has reformed all their cooking and serving robots, fixing the serious mistake of using fork as a spoon to feed babies; a case in which an incomplete robot exploded is solved and the developer of this type of robot is detained”这一段表现出人工智能已高速发展,并已经深层渗透到人类生活的各个方面。
        故事的对话的量恰到好处,既保证了描写部分的重要性,又形象地刻画人物性格。例如,自然如此:'I can't believe this is the final test. It is 2035, not 2015. The questions are still so worldly and rigid. People just don't evolve.' He thinks to himself.简短如此:'Finally,' he smiles, rigid though.冷酷而阴森如此:'So, since you can remember, let's start the purge, shall we?'A wired smile emerges on Lin's face. Wired but natural.
        第三,语言使用丰富、流畅、老道。语言使用不详述了,可圈可点的地方太多了。这一篇记叙文的语言水平不是高,而是“相当高”。读一读这一段,何等流畅:“ Numerous human skins are held in huge glass tubes filled with nourish liquid, among whom Lin sees the skins of the other competitors that took the final interview with him. Their vital signs are at the standard level. Episodes of memories are flooding into Lin's store card. He remember how he was created, what project is put into his mind and how he developed his own will. Under the flesh skin lies an artificial robot.语言运用的精准、高贵和自如反映出故事人物的沉着、镇定,也更凸显故事性和恐怖的氛围。
        也有个别瑕疵,例如,偶尔出现时态错误;个别标点符号用法有误(引语之后如有呼语,则引号内不用句号,而应该用逗号:'And a perfectly evloved civilization with great intelligence ever will take over the world,' replies Lin.)
        总体而言,这一篇故事从内容、组织和语言方面都表现出极高的水平,在整个比赛中也尤为突出。